What McDonald’s & Chinese People Have In Common

Aren’t they ADORABLE! credit: strange cosmos

I have been traveling most of my life and there are two travel lessons that I can give you that have saved me every single time. I have been subject to the infamous tardiness of the Argentinians, the obsessive laziness of the Sicilians, the blistering cold of Iceland, and yes the false accusations of danger in Colombia.

No matter what situation I am in I used these two things to either get something I needed or please the guiltless desire for what I want.

The two things you should look for when you travel is the nearest McDonald’s and the Chinese. Please set down your soda and swallow your make believe diet food. I do not want you to blame me for the food that will end up on your monitor from laughing. Now here me out:

Chinese People

The Chinese are the most resourceful and intelligent people that I have ever met in my life. They adapt to any environment around the world. If we ever have a world war three I guarantee you they will be selling post nuclear snicker bars and gummy bears. No matter where they go families always pool their resources and open stores that have everything you need. Who doesn’t love a good Chinese buffet? Yes Mr. I go to the gym and starve myself I’m talking to you.

Recently when I was in French Guyana again I was hit with the go starve yourself Sundays. Sure enough around the corner was the majestic Chinese restaurant that not only had every possibly drink and fried combination you can imagine, but they also had air conditioning! I ate the fried cat and dog with something that ended with low mien. I hate to burst your bubble but the chow mien that you eat on a regular basis will make you fat and it was actually invented in the United States, San Francisco to be exact (the American version of chow mien). Silly Americans.

I asked the lady in broken french and VERY LOUD English if she had any Diet Coke. She said no in which I replied louder “REGULAR COKE PLEASE”. I’m not obnoxious you are. The next day when I went to eat for the random starve yourself holiday Monday she had Diet Coke. How cool is that? She doesn’t carry diet coke but when someone asks for it she carries it the next day. How resourceful is that? I would also like to note that a Chinese person speaking French is one of the funniest things I have ever heard. Her accent was perfect but you just don’t expect that.

In Argentina I needed plastic containers to store my leftover steak. I went to countless supermarkets and mini markets until I found the majestic Chinese market that carried plastic containers. There were only four to choose from, it is Argentina people, and I bought one. The next week I bought my second majestic Chinese plastic container. The third week when I went back we exchanged bows and ching chang choes and poof! There was a selection of 10 different majestic plastic containers.

McDonald’s

The epitome of what defines America, quick excess. The entire world has a love-hate relationship with the largest fast food company in the world. I don’t know of any reason why poisonous chicken nuggets, heart attack burgers, and thunder thigh fries would possibly bother anyone. Either way we still eat it because its quick and delicious. I would like to point out that I have an addiction with M&M’s McFlurries at 3 in the morning. I am seeing CA (chocolates anonymous) about this issue but they won’t listen since they melt in your mouth not in your hands. Either way, it is American capitalism that has rescued me time after time. Funny Ronald Mcdonald commercial below:

It sucks because in the United States you get a great amount of meat to satisfy any meat lover. When you are overseas they treat you like a red headed step child with a slither of beef with enough bread to satisfy a Frenchman. What you will find anytime you go to Mcdonald’s is a consistent product with consistent availability. Don’t like the mud they serve for coffee in Latin America?

They serve coffee promptly in the morning. Mcdonald’s is always going to be open when people (Cough** Spanish People **Cough** Sicilians** Cough) decide to to take siestas in the middle of the day when you are hungry. In Argentina, I ate at McDonald’s because I couldn’t get decent service at a restaurant. Half an hour passed and I still wasn’t served a drink. If you know anything about eating in Argentina then you know its going to take forever to eat. I decided to go to Mcdonald’s so I could get a quick meal.

Classy Mcdonald’s in Buenos Aires, Argentina

In Uruguay I ate at Mcdonald’s because it was Sunday and everyone else was closed. Some Spanish countries have this funny idea that no one wants anything to eat at a restaurant, who knew right? If you are ever worried about bacteria in your food then you would probably be better off eating at Mcdonald’s than a local restaurant. That last statement would probably go better in third world countries. Oops, I mean “developing” countries.

They may buy the same products but I would trust John Smith that runs McDonald’s instead of Juan Pablo Gutierriez Rodriguez Sanchez Garcia Martinez Lopez. That’s a real name I swear. I personally could eat the leather that your sitting on right now but that wouldn’t be very tasty and I know most people don’t have stomachs as strong as mine. I thank my mom for letting me eat ants when I was younger.

I have countless other examples but the point is that if you are ever unsure about the food, can’t find anything open, or simply want to make sure you know what you are getting. Bet on Mcdonald’s and their tasty nuggets and burgers that never decompose. You know you love it. And no matter where you are in the world the Chinese have everything you need. Amen. No go do what you are supposed to do, like work.